New Job & New Hire Hats

Most new hires are quietly counting. HR Dive reports that 28 percent of new hires quit within their first 90 days, with poor onboarding blamed, and an onboarding roundup puts first-year departures at 37.9 percent. Anyone still standing at the end of week two has already beaten a number worth joking about. The first weeks of a new job have their own folklore. Funny-quote roundups agree on the survival kit: nobody expects you to remember names until week two, so nod, smile and pretend you understand the acronyms; learn two names and find the coffee machine on day one; and try not to click Reply All in your first week. One list boils the whole job down to three key words, "Yeah, Okay and Cool," delivered with a strange face and constant nodding. These hats take that register and add the badge photo that looks like a mugshot, the 401K match that justified a trade, and the colleague whose name has been replaced by buddy. Welcome kits already carry tees, caps and beanies, so a hat is a natural new-job gift for a friend or partner starting Monday. The badges, THE NEW GUY and NEW HIRE, name the role, and the sentence designs carry the humor. Every design is custom embroidered on an unstructured dad hat. Wear one to your own orientation, or hand one to whoever starts next week.